Emotionals Ups and Downs and Downs

I have been feeling a little low the last few weeks, but luckily I can recognize that these feelings are all part of the typical struggle periods of Peace Corps service. It doesn't necessarily feel like a productive struggle and isn't likely to resolve itself immediately. As much as I don't want to say this, maybe this struggle is even a necessary part of finding a place and identifying a role in a community - nonetheless it doesn't feel like a positive phase of my experience here. There is, however, a page in my Youth and Families Development handbook, entitled, Critical Periods in the Life of a Peace Corps Volunteer, which is helping put my emotions, self-doubts, and anxiousness in perspective. I don't like to put myself in the “typical” box. I am an individual, independent (sometimes more than I ought to be...), and capable; I take pride in my ability to persevere in difficult situations and in my usual role as “the rock” my friends and peers can rely on. But, this strength is definitely being tried right now.

This is what my handbook tells me about the challenges and struggles of month 3-6 of Peace Corps service:
Issues to be had:
Assignment: I am finding that it would be nice if I had one...ha ha. I know that I am here as a Youth and Families Development volunteer, but the reach of this title is sweeping. Y&F volunteers do just about everything. From a direct intervention stance: working with homework programs, to starting youth groups, working in schools, organizing sports teams, giving talks and workshops to groups, but other volunteers work at an agency level creating programs, organizing workshops, developing the infrastructure to support direct intervention and the like.
For me, my given assignment, fell though within my first month here when I realized that my counterpart had no real grasp of what a Peace Corps volunteer does, nor the time to help me get out of the office and into the community on my own, but still in the name of INFA. This all feels like ancient history now...As I have written, I have moved on to a new group as my community contact, Fundacion Corazon Solidario, part of the Parroquia of Leonidas Plazas. The possibility of my assignment all of a sudden is wide open to whatever I want to do. Which leads me to...
Uncertainty of Role: I am pretty sure that I ask myself “what are you doing here?” daily. And this is a broad sweeping question. I am overwhelming impressed with the foundation I am a part of; the number of projects that exist, the quality of the work that is done, the sustainability of projects, the commitment and passion that people have to work for penance and be paid with the gratitude of improving their community and neighbors lives.
This in essence is my stemming identity issue with the Foundation...I don't really feel a part of anything. It is one of my unique challenges, I guess, in finding my own organization to work with. I didn't get the pre-arrival Peace Corps introduction, no one from the foundation wrote a solicitation asking for a volunteer, there were no months awaiting my arrival and thus no anticipation for what I could or would do. Rather I planned a meeting with Father Pedro, told him what I was capable of doing, that I liked the work he was doing in the community and would like to be a part of the working groups if there was a place for me. I was welcomed to be part of the group; as the newbie I was carted around for a week or two, to see the big picture, and then was given some phone numbers to follow up with to see the rest. After my tour de projects, I had met a lot of people, attended a few meetings, walked the length and breadth of Leonidas Plazas and felt completely lost. What I learned from my month or so of introduction, is that the Foundation is a pretty well run and organized operation. Although Father Pedro is the center of it all, all of the programs really run independently. There is no weekly or monthly meeting. Everyone just knows what is the expectation they have in regards to their work, and everything works out well. I see a ton of possibility, but feel like I am an arm’s length away from everything. Partly like I am missing a piece of the puzzle of how I can fit in and be part of the close-knit group, and partly because I don't want to step on people’s feet. Especially, because I respect so much the work that people do within the Foundation and the Parroquia, I want to make sure that individuals understand that I am interested in collaborating, improving and extending the reach of the Foundation, not changing or replacing anything. But first I need to get in a little further inside, and this takes time. I am finding my patience lacking and my ability to sit quietly and wait being tested...
Separation/Solitude: My lacking assignment and role leaves me with a lot of time to think. And when things are a little low, it's quite easy for all this thinking to be about where you might rather be, with people whom you miss, other things you might like to be doing. And all of a sudden, it doesn't matter how many friends one has made, how supported one feels by a host family, how much other good stuff is in the works...it is so easy to feel like no one understands you, that you are in this all alone. Le sigh! (but really, this has been one of my lesser issues...)

Peace Corps says to look for these signs in yourself:
Fright – not so much...
Frustration with Self – yes. definitely. I want to be working. I want to be busy. I want to be a part of it all! What am I doing wrong!?
Loneliness – some days...but my host family leaves me little time to myself to be lonely.
Weight and/or health changes – unfortunately yes. My life involves a lot more cars and buses than I expected. And too much good food is pushed in my direction. I must strike a balance between calorie consumption and daily activity!
Homesickness – only because I don't feel like I am finding my place here...
Uselessness – see “frustration with self”

So what am I doing to help myself through this rough patch I am in? Well, I am making myself get up every day, stick to a routine, and get out of the house...I make my rounds, check in with my friends and contacts, keep having the conversations I need to be having to keep ideas fresh in peoples’ minds and remind people that I am here to work, collaborate and contribute. It´s not easy and it´s not all roses, but I didn´t sign up for the easy road. I recognize that my struggle is normal and magnified in my own eyes, and I feel so lucky to have people close to me to support me and help me through it all!